Photography credit: Littles and Lenses

In 2017, I had my first baby, Lucca. He struggled to latch and I nursed hourly around the clock. By day 5, my milk still didn't seem to have come in despite nursing on demand and pumping. My midwife referred me to a lactation consultant and I was then diagnosed with Breast Hypoplasia, also known as Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT). This meant that I would never be able to make enough milk to feed my babies, no matter what I did. I was beyond devastated. Luckily, I had lots of support, he received a tongue tie revision and I had access to donor milk, so I was able to successfully nurse him until he was 8 months old, with supplementation, medication and an supplemental nursing system (SNS).

Photography credit: Littles and Lenses

Fast forward to 2019, I had my second son, Matteo. I was much more empowered with information (as I was now a Certified Lactation Educator and Birth Doula at Beautiful Blessings) and had 500+ oz of frozen donor milk ready to go (thanks to two amazing mothers in my life), had expressed colostrum in the freezer, an SNS and a robust nursing and supplementation plan. When Matteo was born, he had a tongue tie which was corrected on day 10 and I was able to start my medications immediately. I supplemented until day 5 with my own frozen colostrum on a spoon. From there, I continued to feed on demand and offer donor milk and formula, as needed. We went on to experience challenges including issues with him having a high palate and a horrible, month long bout of mastitis, but we pulled through.

I am so proud to say that I am still nursing Matteo at almost 13 months old, with no medication and little to no supplementation. I am now working towards becoming a Le Leche Leader as I am very passionate about supporting breastfeeding/chestfeeding individuals, particularly if they are dealing with low supply or hypoplasia.

“I am happy that I reached my breastfeeding goals and I am excited to continue our journey”

- Lauren Calleja Birth Doula, CLE

Photography credit: Jillian Henry Photography

With having had 3 kids I can say that my experience breast feeding them was as different as they are. Before having kids I had a bit of an advantage, or so I thought, having had 2 older sisters with 6 kids between them and 4 years of labour and delivery experience as a nurse. I was encouraging and teaching new moms how to make this unique connection before I had gone through the steps myself.

I knew I wanted to give breastfeeding my all because it was what I knew the most about. I knew it had many benefits for my baby and hopefully me! I wanted the connection, the weight loss, the immunity for my baby and the lack of expense (vs formula feeding).

My first baby threw all my confidence out the window by coming early. Once he was born I was given a pump and told how to use it, clean it and encouraged to pump every 2-4 hours to bring my milk in and have a supply the nurses could use to feed my son through his naso-gastric tube. His blood sugars were low at birth so they needed him to start eating. His first feeds of formula he rejected making me strangely proud! My milk came in (and didn’t stop!) with all of my pumping and my son kept it down and increased feeds just as expected. I was given a nipple shield that I had never seen before, the next addition to my challenges! I had to learn how this big chunk of plastic was supposed to fit into my premies mouth (and function without choking him when it filled up!) while learning how and when to hold him, when to pump, when to go home and when be at the hospital…

The first lesson for me in motherhood was to keep my expectations very flexible!

I had not prepared for anything I was facing and had to use all the help I could get which was difficult to accept with my independent (controlling?) personality. As for the benefits I had hoped for, the “bond” was there from birth and it would have been regardless of what I fed him. His health was good though every “cold” was a cough or wheeze and I’ll never know if that might have been different if he had been full term. I did lose the weight and saved money without needing formula that first 8 (?) months. He did start to nurse without the shield after a few months and after that all ran smoothly but during those months I did a mix of previously pumped and frozen milk and the nipple shield.  I also pumped and brought a bottle to places that I thought would just be easier to keep my shirt on!

I felt protective of my new little love. I liked that when he cried I was the one with the answer. We went to some BBQs that summer and family events I intentionally did not bring a pumped bottle just so he would have to be with me. I felt like I missed out on so many tiny moments in those first few weeks that I wanted him in my arms as much as possible (see..control..).

Looking back on it all, and especially after having two more kids, I wish I could go back and tell myself “Just do what works for you!”. I spent so much time worrying if I was doing the right or best thing and I could have saved myself so much stress if I just relaxed and did what worked, what felt right.  Those were the most empowering actions that brought me so much pride. That and watching those babies chunk up from all that milk! 

After note- all my kids ate every 1.5-2 hrs. It was embarrassing that in one visit I had to feed…again. People would say “Didn’t you just feed him/her?” Sometimes I would leave early just to avoid the possible judgement.

Breastfeeding is a small action with a steep learning curve and a huge weight of expectation. Your mental health is as important as your baby’s physical health. What would that look like on a growth curve??! What percentile is your mental health in?

Lindy Akins